I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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