Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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