you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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