I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
How external is "for external use only"?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
