Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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