i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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