youre lurking in front of me
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
