I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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