My girlfriend figured out who you are.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
