Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
