yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
