You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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