remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
