Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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