don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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