??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
