if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
