My underwear smells like fireworks.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just want to make out with him forever
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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