Duck Duck Cougar?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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