i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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