He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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