I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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