Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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