"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
