nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
