Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
