why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
