Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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