I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
