I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
