I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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