if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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