i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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