I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize