My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
