If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I stole a fireplace last night.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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