I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
