I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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