You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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