Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
