hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Vodka?
Forever.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
