I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
