Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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