my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
