i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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