he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
