I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize