How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
