im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
