where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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