If i come over, it means nothing
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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