Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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