why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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