I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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