My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
