We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
