it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
