haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
