Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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