Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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