i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
